There are no safe places and how to be okay in everyday danger.

There are no safe places ..I know we are supposed to make them , create them or in some cases be them .
We are to fashion a nest of fluff and comfort for others and ourselves , we know this is what we are entitled to right? .
There are no safe places . Not here not now and not ever and no one says so  because they want to feel safe at all times and that alone should have been a clue . The incessant want of it .
You might be thinking about now that I am wrong that you feel safe . I mean you feel safe sometimes right?
This feeling of safe is temporary as it should be . Imagine yourself wrapped in warm fuzzy safeness 24-7 your entire life. There is no life without danger and that danger is both terrifying and exciting and well also confusing , How can it be that we will live our entire life with random danger?.
More conversely is the fact that we convince ourselves that we are not.
There is the most popular way religion  which in most cases does not offer complete safety but sort of works like a safety net in the end or a good luck charm that sort of gives us a little bit of the magic that would ward off common catastrophy ..but only sometimes if you say the right magic words to the right God ..suddenly unsafe again . Because you and every other person who has found the right God are in danger from the wrong God ..but you do feel safe right? surely you choose the right one.
But then you pray and you pray really hard and you realize you might not feel as safe as you thought and again there are no safe places really..
The good news is there are rests..oh yes ..the little breaths we take when danger is , but is not eminent.
A sort of fantastic bliss that happens that outshines the dark shadows that are always there.
There are no safe places ..the greatest gift you can give someone is to tell them ..the truth that you can not magically prevent the suffering or sadness that is part of life..But you will  Stand in the storms with them .
People can be mean , callas, they can and will hurt your feelings.. they are just people ..you will see things that disturb your nature and you will sometimes crumble ..I will pick you up and help you heal
But I can not promise a safe place. I will give you weapons to fight dragons..but I will not let you kill them..
I want you to live ..I want you to love and laugh and cry and sigh . and remember the times when it seemed so unbearable and looking back how little and distant it is..how your sorrow made you feel human. How someone saying or doing something so wrong , defined you..and how you redefined yourself in so many ways .. and all the beautiful that has been their even in the darkest moments.
Come out and play..it's not safe..but do it anyway.. you always have.
Naomi Montana Walsh.

We were promised rain..of biblical proportions ..THIS IS EL NINO they said. I bought rain boots.
So about a week ago there was some rain..I wore the boots it was beautiful ..dark clouds , loomed ominously above and I was giddy with delight . El Nino, my friend Welcome..stick around a bit..after 2 days..I was told he was leaving town.. and a day later it was Sunny..my soul not quenched .
I am again angry at the weather. It's Not Summer..it's not and it can't be 89 degrees and you promised El Nino ..liers.. Someone..bring out the drums there is rain dancing to do..

The Original Version

Today I found this picture in my files.

This is the original me , before Vitiligo before age .

I thought age had made my nose and cheeks so wide, apparently not.

I thought my smile was off because of life.

I thought I'd lost a lot of myself along the way.

But looking back..I think I found more than lost.

Here are the thoughts.

When you were young there were people who picked on you.

I wish they could meet you now.. back then you thought it said something about you

now you know it only revealed who they were .

I would not give up an ounce of that knowledge .

Back then your fears said something and you believed them

now you question them.

I would not give up an ounce of that intrepidity.

Back then you dreamed so much and you watched your dreams as one would a movie.

Today you live them.

I am not  Jealous of you little girl.

Although

I thought I was.

Girl you're gonna carry that weight , carry that weight a long time...

If  I had a bin a Garbage Bin, .. the world would be filled with rainbows and the birds would sing out my name..
It quickly became an obsession. Because all morning my heart counted cobwebs and paper scraps , cardboard boxes and Tin cans.  Mystery messes hidden in drawers and cabinets.  Then when the burden of it all had seemed too much ..my manic mind created a solution that allowed me not feel buried under it all. If I had a Bin..just one more bin .
I had , had bins before. but they always left full before it was all gone..it would haunt me..in ways that no one understands.
Before I confess, before I go back into the dark hallway of my mind , I want you to know , I will never not feel that it is not my fault ..My Mother and father's house..

When I was about 9 we moved to the house that I now live in . my siblings were older and the story of the house after they left is mine.  My mother was not the best of house keepers and my father felt it was not his job.. The house was not anything like those you see on hoarders.. but it was getting there.

My mother often hosted people. By that I mean she took people in . I will acknowledge that it was because of her kindness and that those people , some of them family did help in the way that at times the burden of care for the house was shared. 

As I grew older ..by that I mean 12, my mother would not clean  and would rarely cook.  she was ill . I know that now . Because she felt ashamed when people would visit she would ask me to do it and I would often hear her say..that she had worked all day cleaning the house..when I would say, " But you did not clean it I did".She would say it was a mistake she meant we . Anyhow..I got messed up really messed up.  When I grew up and left the house had not yet completely fell to it's knees but it was dizzy to say the least. When my first Marriage ended I had one day to pack and leave..and go back home I grabbed what I could and left a horrible mess behind . You see I am to blame..for that as well. When I got back home.. to my parent's house there was damage..the house had began to break under the stress of carelessness.
My father had ,had major surgery and my mother had cancer and I was broken ..but I tried to fix it , I painted ,  I wall papered, I tried to fix me.. I went to church ..because God can fix anything they said. I held on a long , long time.. I can't to this day talk about what happened but it was my fault. I can't tell anyone because I don't want them to them to think I am not to blame. I want the blame.. because it's my house and I have loved it. So much and still do.. But I have carried the weight of her well being so long and it has been heavy..I suffer her every ailment ..because her pain is mine..if someone looks unkindly..about where she is located or that she is not clean or that her driveway is cracked.
I feel I have failed her.  I don't know why I am sick like this...or if I can ever feel that she is ok and that I am able to save her..so yes..this week I thought a bin would be the best thing ever.
next week who know what I will need for magic to happen.  I have list..no one has a better more comprehensive list than I do. From the tiniest web to the roof.  " You should"..  they  say...  get that driveway fixed..get a new roof..paint the house..no one knows that more than I do.  I am about to offend..in this world God does not fix everything. It's just us..I have seen the most amazing magic from mortals , Mortals. that is why I still believe I will someday stand and look at a castle..That is how I can sometimes understand with my nearly insane mind that a bin is just a little magic.. But a little magic is a good start.