If I had a bin a Garbage Bin, .. the world would be filled with rainbows and the birds would sing out my name..
It quickly became an obsession. Because all morning my heart counted cobwebs and paper scraps , cardboard boxes and Tin cans. Mystery messes hidden in drawers and cabinets. Then when the burden of it all had seemed too much ..my manic mind created a solution that allowed me not feel buried under it all. If I had a Bin..just one more bin .
I had , had bins before. but they always left full before it was all gone..it would haunt me..in ways that no one understands.
Before I confess, before I go back into the dark hallway of my mind , I want you to know , I will never not feel that it is not my fault ..My Mother and father's house..
It quickly became an obsession. Because all morning my heart counted cobwebs and paper scraps , cardboard boxes and Tin cans. Mystery messes hidden in drawers and cabinets. Then when the burden of it all had seemed too much ..my manic mind created a solution that allowed me not feel buried under it all. If I had a Bin..just one more bin .
I had , had bins before. but they always left full before it was all gone..it would haunt me..in ways that no one understands.
Before I confess, before I go back into the dark hallway of my mind , I want you to know , I will never not feel that it is not my fault ..My Mother and father's house..
When I was about 9 we moved to the house that I now live in . my siblings were older and the story of the house after they left is mine. My mother was not the best of house keepers and my father felt it was not his job.. The house was not anything like those you see on hoarders.. but it was getting there.
My mother often hosted people. By that I mean she took people in . I will acknowledge that it was because of her kindness and that those people , some of them family did help in the way that at times the burden of care for the house was shared.
As I grew older ..by that I mean 12, my mother would not clean and would rarely cook. she was ill . I know that now . Because she felt ashamed when people would visit she would ask me to do it and I would often hear her say..that she had worked all day cleaning the house..when I would say, " But you did not clean it I did".She would say it was a mistake she meant we . Anyhow..I got messed up really messed up. When I grew up and left the house had not yet completely fell to it's knees but it was dizzy to say the least. When my first Marriage ended I had one day to pack and leave..and go back home I grabbed what I could and left a horrible mess behind . You see I am to blame..for that as well. When I got back home.. to my parent's house there was damage..the house had began to break under the stress of carelessness.
My father had ,had major surgery and my mother had cancer and I was broken ..but I tried to fix it , I painted , I wall papered, I tried to fix me.. I went to church ..because God can fix anything they said. I held on a long , long time.. I can't to this day talk about what happened but it was my fault. I can't tell anyone because I don't want them to them to think I am not to blame. I want the blame.. because it's my house and I have loved it. So much and still do.. But I have carried the weight of her well being so long and it has been heavy..I suffer her every ailment ..because her pain is mine..if someone looks unkindly..about where she is located or that she is not clean or that her driveway is cracked.
I feel I have failed her. I don't know why I am sick like this...or if I can ever feel that she is ok and that I am able to save her..so yes..this week I thought a bin would be the best thing ever.
next week who know what I will need for magic to happen. I have list..no one has a better more comprehensive list than I do. From the tiniest web to the roof. " You should".. they say... get that driveway fixed..get a new roof..paint the house..no one knows that more than I do. I am about to offend..in this world God does not fix everything. It's just us..I have seen the most amazing magic from mortals , Mortals. that is why I still believe I will someday stand and look at a castle..That is how I can sometimes understand with my nearly insane mind that a bin is just a little magic.. But a little magic is a good start.
My father had ,had major surgery and my mother had cancer and I was broken ..but I tried to fix it , I painted , I wall papered, I tried to fix me.. I went to church ..because God can fix anything they said. I held on a long , long time.. I can't to this day talk about what happened but it was my fault. I can't tell anyone because I don't want them to them to think I am not to blame. I want the blame.. because it's my house and I have loved it. So much and still do.. But I have carried the weight of her well being so long and it has been heavy..I suffer her every ailment ..because her pain is mine..if someone looks unkindly..about where she is located or that she is not clean or that her driveway is cracked.
I feel I have failed her. I don't know why I am sick like this...or if I can ever feel that she is ok and that I am able to save her..so yes..this week I thought a bin would be the best thing ever.
next week who know what I will need for magic to happen. I have list..no one has a better more comprehensive list than I do. From the tiniest web to the roof. " You should".. they say... get that driveway fixed..get a new roof..paint the house..no one knows that more than I do. I am about to offend..in this world God does not fix everything. It's just us..I have seen the most amazing magic from mortals , Mortals. that is why I still believe I will someday stand and look at a castle..That is how I can sometimes understand with my nearly insane mind that a bin is just a little magic.. But a little magic is a good start.
