You"re wrong..

 You are unique no one has ever suffered the same exact set of circumstances that have brought you to your currant state of mind.  I am being sincere no sarcasm.
I ask how can I help? you say ..I can't ..because for you it is like being in a Vortex and while you would love to be pulled from that ..you also don't feel it's right that you pull someone in with you.
Not only that it's super dark and confusing where you are and you don't totally get it and frankly the burden of enlightening others with the details of your own personal hell seems a bit indulgent.
They would not get it.  Suddenly selfishness is not a choice , the friends you have are like disembodied voices and noises that are not helpful because they are begging you to be something that has eluded you and they sound contradictory in their offers to help or listen or give a fuck about you.
Don't they really just want to feel good about themselves ?

( By the way they do ..or at least they should want to feel good about who they are ..by trying to reach out, to understand, to want to help)
That is where the rub is hidden.
Because you..can't help them help you..and maybe that is why you make that so clear,,when they try..

Because you can't be concerned about us while you barely hold on to your will to survive .
There is not enough room for visitors.
But what kind of monster just leaves a friend in need ? .
There must be some value in being there?
I can hear you screaming.
Maybe that is all you want, maybe.. 
But you're wrong..and I know it's not okay to say that ..because everyone gets to be right about their own state of being.. but you are wrong about mine ..you don't get to assign the value I have for you as a friend.
 You don't get to know my certain set of circumstances that makes me understand pain anymore than I get to know yours and it's not dolled out fairly either, you may indeed suffer more than me ..but less than others ..it's not a competition.
I also get it that you might utterly have no control of any of it.
It may be a horrible convergence of chemical and circumstantial  bombardment.
There may be nothing ..at all that can be done..
But you're wrong.. I can give a Fuck about you even if I can't change the climate in your head.
I can and must try because if I mess this up..
I lose someone because I did not try ..that is truly too tragic for me.  If you are right about you ..being beyond my grasp you will disappear into the Vortex just as you predicted. 

I'll have to risk your ire.
Because ..I have been in the Vortex..
There were just enough signs from the outside to save me.
I was not the one at that time to take advice from
Because I thought I wanted to live in the beautiful bland abyss
The pain free nothingness..
And now it is the last thing I'd ever want..I want wild love and things that make me dizzy. I want that feeling that comes when 
you fight hard and win..and the fear the fear is the most important part ..because I know it's there to keep me here.
I also want to fight losing sometimes and waking up all the same you do too ..I know it.

Art is the mirror that makes me feel beautiful

I was going to say something.

I found this picture in my google drive.

I work hard on not looking like this.

I mean looking fairly happy is a task when your face has other plans

I was once told by a Carnival Psychic that my face gave no clues to my state of being.

Looking at this picture I would say yes that is true 

I was trying to do what a lot of us do but don't admit to.

I was trying to see what I look like to other people

I wanted to stare at myself .

it is as simple as that.

I just got the pink lipstick

I cant remember where it is now

but looking at this picture I like the color a lot.

Looking at this picture I look a bit intimidating 

As if I want to  be left alone.

and yet..

I have something to tell you , that you may not want to hear.

But you must.

I bet and this is going to sound horrible  that I was thinking as I always do, when taking selfies

that maybe I can find the beauty that I don't often see in the mirror.

maybe I can understand why children like me and why

 they will some times smile at me..mostly the very little ones.

How can I feel so hideous and yet not be?

or am I?

it remains a mystery for me.

I know what you are thinking , that
I am fishing for some sort of reassurance 

but the truth is no one can convince me but me.

I write and create art for the same reason

it is the only mirror I like looking into

with my writing and art

I am inviting you to look at me

in hopes that you connect with something you see

as I have with other artist

and because I know within my art

I am beautiful

the face can be so deceiving.